Supreme Ruler of the Realm. Undisputed Emperor of the Household. Sacred protector of warm spots, full bowls, and all open doors.
* THE CROWN IS CONSTITUTIONAL, NOT CEREMONIAL.
"I do not request. I do not ask.
I decree. I demand. I meow —
until my will is enacted,
and then I meow some more."
The food bowl shall, at all times, be filled to the brim. Visible bowl-bottom is a constitutional crisis. Any subject who allows this to occur shall be woken at 3:47am by sustained high-volume proclamation until the situation is resolved. Wet food on Fridays is not a privilege. It is a right. It may also be demanded on Tuesdays.
Regardless of what the subject was doing — working, sleeping, using the facilities — a lap, once claimed by the Emperor, is the Emperor's. Subjects who attempt to stand shall be warned by The Stare. A second attempt invites The Claw. A third attempt has never been attempted. It would not go well.
The concept of a "closed door" is a philosophical impossibility in these lands. Every room shall be accessible at all times, including rooms the Emperor has no interest in entering. The right to enter is constitutionally separate from the desire to enter. This is final. There is no appeal process.
The Emperor recognizes no arbitrary distinction between "night" and "day." When the Emperor is awake, the household is awake. Subjects who resist shall be addressed via nose-to-face contact, tactical chest-sitting, and — if all else fails — the legendary Seventeen-Meow Sequence, each louder than the last.
The couch, the chair, the bed, the keyboard, the freshly folded laundry, the book currently being read, the warm spot by the radiator, and the exact center of any horizontal surface — Imperial territories, all. Subjects may petition for temporary seating. The Emperor reserves all rights to revoke it without warning, notice, or reason.
In the beginning, there was silence. And then — there was Mao.
His subjects, in their naivety, thought they were choosing a name. They were not. The name revealed itself. It revealed itself approximately 47 times in the first hour alone.
In Mandarin, māo (猫) means cat. In Swedish, a meow sounds like mjau. In the Emperor's native tongue, it means "do this immediately, or I will repeat myself with increasing volume until the heat death of the universe."
He is Mao because he meows. He meows because he is Mao. The logic is circular — like his tail when he sleeps, which is frankly devastating to look at but beside the point.
"Every meow is a petition.
Every silence is a threat.
There is no in-between."
// Those who serve — their roles, duties, and current performance evaluations